Girlfriends, I learned a few lessons last night. I’m going to pass the wisdom onto you for your own future reference.
1) If a male friend texts you and says there are not enough women on his co-ed sports team, and they need you because you live SO CLOSE and the game is starting RIGHT NOW and the world will end if you don’t come… ask some key questions.
2) If you tell him first that you can’t come because you just put in laundry, complete with a photo of the washers in your apartment building’s basement that show there are 26 minutes remaining, and he tells you it will only take 10-15 minutes — he’s lying. This is not negated if you reply, “That sounds like a lie but OK.”
3) If you ask what to wear and he says it doesn’t matter, remind yourself that men never know the answer to that question. Take off your jeans and uggs and put on some workout tights and sneakers. The world won’t really end if you’re a few minutes late and dressed appropriately.
4) If he says “You can just stand there,” this is completely false if you are the ONLY GIRL THERE. If there is some minimum number of girls (like 5) and they only need one more, you might be OK. Clarify how many girls are already present. If there are zero, then be prepared to engage in a sporting activity.
5) If you end up, out of your competitive nature, shame or boredom, actually participating, you will probably break a nail. This might suck if you’re about to go on vacation and were planning to paint your nails that night before you got tricked into this activity. Also, if you tell people you broke a nail, then be prepared to laugh like you don’t care or else they’ll think you’re a wimp (or annoying, or both. I don’t know. I laughed).
6) If you show up at a co-ed dodgeball game in jeans and uggs, spend most of the first few rounds standing in the corner (including one time where you’re the last one in and so afraid of getting hit you just jump out of bounds on your own), then when you do start doing good things, EVERYONE is impressed.
So, that’s that. I spent my Wednesday night being tricked into playing co-ed dodgeball, in jeans and uggs, broke a nail, and impressed people with simple feats of athleticism.
#TrueStory, once I got to the ball before the girl on the other team did and the ref said, “Look at you!!” I can run in a straight line people, I was just tricked into coming here!
Bonus: If you do all of these things, you’ll probably get rewarded with a free alcoholic beverage. And if you’re that close, you can run home and switch over your laundry before the drinking starts. #winning!