I’ve been struggling with something for the last few weeks. I talked to my best friend and my little sister about it. They gave me good pep talks. Without them I wouldn’t even know how to handle these emotions or what they mean. Without them I’d feel like I was either going crazy or it was something special that maybe I should focus on.
So just in case some of you don’t have friends you can trust with your confessions I want to share here what I’m going through. Then if you go through it you will know you’re not alone, you’re not crazy and you aren’t getting some sort of premonition.
I miss “The Boyfriend.”
If you were around Three Years Down before we relocated to this gorgeous home at WMSB, you’d know that a huge part of my life was consumed with “the Boyfriend.” And then, it went terribly, terribly wrong. I had a serious problem idolizing marriage. He had issues to work through on his own. And the tighter I held trying to make it all work, the worse things got. The end was bad.
The end was… beyond bad. I was devastated. I was “can’t get off the floor by myself” devastated.
And I spent nearly a year hating him for it.
But it wasn’t always like that. I was desperately in love with him. I fully believed we would get married one day. I wrote him letters to give on our wedding day. I let down every single wall for him and his daughter. I never even imagined life without the two of them.
He was my best friend, and if you don’t believe me, I got him a present of this print while we were long distance. We hung it where he would see it every day – his side of the bathroom. I treasure a lot of great memories from that time. We went on a lot of adventures. Our families became each other’s families. We had jokes and laughter. I never told anyone about how I got him hooked on the Kardashians (ok maybe I did…). We had our normal relationship struggles, and our normal long distance relationship struggles. But we were a team. A good one.
Once, when things were starting their downward spiral, someone asked me what my Plan B was. … I didn’t have a plan B. I had HIM.
And that’s part of where things went wrong, I think. I wanted to fix his issues, I wanted to make him happy. And I thought all I needed to be happy was a proposal. I had a great relationship with God at this time. I was reading my bible every day. I was praying. I was journaling. But I still wasn’t letting go of this belief that until I married The Boyfriend, I wouldn’t have everything in life.
The more time that passes since I let go of that anger, the more I remember back when he was my best friend. I remember adventures, trying new things, the time he bought a portable propane heater so I could learn to ice fish without getting cold…
Those were good times. My friend and I discussed how as time passes, the love can come in waves. I guess now I’m learning how to manage “love waves” instead of “hate waves.” I am so relieved to not carry around the burden of hate, even though these feelings are hard in a different way. And I’m beyond thankful for a friend and a sister who will listen to my struggles without judgment and then provide encouragement that breakups are hard – even 17 months after they happened.
I don’t have a conclusion to this post. I just wanted to let you know that if you’re feeling love waves, it’s going to be OK. There’s a future ahead of you and God has you on this journey for a reason. Hopefully one day I can come back and tell you guys the trick I learned to let love leave your heart when it’s time. I’ll keep you posted.