Back When He Was My Best Friend

confessions, Relationships, singleness

I try to be really open, honest and vulnerable with you guys when it comes to singleness. This isn’t easy. In fact, sometimes it’s downright terrifying.

I’ve been struggling with something for the last few weeks. I talked to my best friend and my little sister about it. They gave me good pep talks. Without them I wouldn’t even know how to handle these emotions or what they mean. Without them I’d feel like I was either going crazy or it was something special that maybe I should focus on.

So just in case some of you don’t have friends you can trust with your confessions I want to share here what I’m going through. Then if you go through it you will know you’re not alone, you’re not crazy and you aren’t getting some sort of premonition.

I miss “The Boyfriend.”

IMG_0798 If you were around Three Years Down before we relocated to this gorgeous home at WMSB, you’d know that a huge part of my life was consumed with “the Boyfriend.” And then, it went terribly, terribly wrong. I had a serious problem idolizing marriage. He had issues to work through on his own. And the tighter I held trying to make it all work, the worse things got. The end was bad.

The end was… beyond bad. I was devastated. I was “can’t get off the floor by myself” devastated.

And I spent nearly a year hating him for it.

But it wasn’t always like that. I was desperately in love with him. I fully believed we would get married one day. I wrote him letters to give on our wedding day. I let down every single wall for him and his daughter. I never even imagined life without the two of them.

IMG_0363_2

He was my best friend, and if you don’t believe me, I got him a present of this print while we were long distance. We hung it where he would see it every day – his side of the bathroom. I treasure a lot of great memories from that time. We went on a lot of adventures. Our families became each other’s families. We had jokes and laughter. I never told anyone about how I got him hooked on the Kardashians (ok maybe I did…). We had our normal relationship struggles, and our normal long distance relationship struggles. But we were a team. A good one.

DSCF6017

Once, when things were starting their downward spiral, someone asked me what my Plan B was. … I didn’t have a plan B. I had HIM.

And that’s part of where things went wrong, I think. I wanted to fix his issues, I wanted to make him happy. And I thought all I needed to be happy was a proposal. I had a great relationship with God at this time. I was reading my bible every day. I was praying. I was journaling. But I still wasn’t letting go of this belief that until I married The Boyfriend, I wouldn’t have everything in life.

IMG_0766

The more time that passes since I let go of that anger, the more I remember back when he was my best friend. I remember adventures, trying new things, the time he bought a portable propane heater so I could learn to ice fish without getting cold…

Those were good times. My friend and I discussed how as time passes, the love can come in waves. I guess now I’m learning how to manage “love waves” instead of “hate waves.” I am so relieved to not carry around the burden of hate, even though these feelings are hard in a different way. And I’m beyond thankful for a friend and a sister who will listen to my struggles without judgment and then provide encouragement that breakups are hard – even 17 months after they happened.

I don’t have a conclusion to this post. I just wanted to let you know that if you’re feeling love waves, it’s going to be OK. There’s a future ahead of you and God has you on this journey for a reason. Hopefully one day I can come back and tell you guys the trick I learned to let love leave your heart when it’s time. I’ll keep you posted.

Jeremiah 29:11

Previous Story
Next Story

17 Comments

  • Reply
    Breenah A
    January 21, 2014 at 5:56 am

    <3

    • Reply
      Brittany
      January 21, 2014 at 6:55 am

      <3

  • Reply
    Rekita Edwards
    January 21, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Wow Brittany. I always read your blog but this one I had to comment on. I sort of went through what you ant through. Me and my husband were best friends since i was 14, so when we were heading for splitsville 5 years ago, i was devastated. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. we eventually got it together after bickering and hating each other. I thought i would never forgive him for things he did and said, but now i am a believer that time heals all winds. The wound is still there of course, but it is healed.

  • Reply
    Law_Fal
    January 21, 2014 at 11:16 am

    I feel you 100% on the post wholeheartedly. Our relationships were very similar and the aftermath the same as well. I’m still struggling to move on yet I still miss and hold on to a lot of those feelings. I can only stay hopeful that things do get better and that one day that happiness will be there again tenfold! Thanks for sharing. :)

  • Reply
    Lauren Nelson
    January 21, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    Beautifully said! This is the part of singleness that not only do people not talk about, but people don’t even want to think about it most of the time. Thanks for being brave and for writing what we all need to be reminded of sometimes!

  • Reply
    Megan - FireWifey
    January 21, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    Awww. Love you girl

  • Reply
    ruthy
    January 21, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    I’ve been there…sounds like you are doing really well girl!

  • Reply
    Rachael
    January 21, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    Thank you for being open and honest on your blog- I’m sending you a big hug. I love you!

  • Reply
    Bri @ My Life As...
    January 21, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    I completely understand. <3

  • Reply
    Meghan
    January 21, 2014 at 11:27 pm

    I absolutely love you, lady! Thank you for being vulnerable. Every girl needs to hear this and can gain so much from this post! xo!

  • Reply
    Stacy
    January 22, 2014 at 10:34 am

    :( Praying for you hun. Time heals, and God heals. I promise, promise, promise.

  • Reply
    When the Internet is a Safe Place - Where My Soul Belongs
    January 22, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    […] back after a brave post, I figured I owed the same to you guys. Thank you for your sweet comments on yesterdays post.  I heard from you guys in the comment section, on twitter, on facebook, via email and via text. […]

  • Reply
    chelseajacobs
    January 22, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    My favorite part of this is how you don’t have a conclusion. Because honestly, there isn’t one. You just have to keep moving. So very brave of you!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      January 22, 2014 at 5:52 pm

      Thank you, Chelsea. That was very encouraging to me. I really appreciate it.

  • Reply
    Katie
    February 22, 2014 at 9:41 am

    I’ve definitely been there– it’s so hard to let go of someone you loved. And it doesn’t happen all at once, but in increments over time. I love how honest and open this post is– hope it can help other women going through the same stage right now! Praying for peace and comfort for you!

  • Reply
    Amy
    May 2, 2014 at 9:26 am

    catching up on your blog & man did i need to hear this today!

  • Reply
    Not Getting What You Want... - Where My Soul Belongs
    September 2, 2015 at 7:43 am

    […] had been Crushed The Whirlwind of September 2012 When It’s OK to be Angry about a Breakup When It’s OK to Mourn a Breakup When I Found that Dalai Lama Quote on […]

  • Leave a Reply

    CommentLuv badge