No Whining Allowed

Guest Post

It is the first day of the bar exam. I was planning to post myself today, and then I read Annie’s guest post, which you’ll enjoy below. It made me smile and laugh – which is a huge feat considering when I’m scheduling this the exam starts in 11 days and I have a roller coaster of emotions that tell me I’m (1) definitely going to fail; (2) definitely going to pass; (3) definitely wishing I could just outsource this exam.

And then there’s Annie. A dear, sweet friend of mine that I met at Influence and organized the dinner for all of us single ladies to not feel so alone in a sea of wonderfully happy married, pregnant, engaged women. Please read on. Because maybe I’m spending the morning being tortured by the bar exam, but at least nothing in my life in the Pacific Northwest has frozen shut (yet. I don’t want to tempt fate here).


when brittany emailed me with a request for a guest post, she said she would love any topic that essentially wasn’t whining about the bar exam.

i can’t see why she would say no whining, because i am a very good whiner when i put my mind to it. which is fairly often considering i work at one of the largest non-department stores in a destination mall.

alas.

if you don’t know me, my name is annie. i’m an intj according to myers-briggs and an eight according to the enneagram, which i figure tells you almost everything you need to know about me. what it doesn’t tell you is that i was born and raised in metro detroit, a fact which privileges one to combine what i like to call the act of classy and the act of gangster all in one uniquely individual personality.

welcome to southeast suburban mitten life.

here’s another fact about southeast suburban mitten life: it’s cold. very cold. absurdly cold. and it’s this way for roughly six months of the year.

and sometimes it’s that way with a vengeance, as in the following story:

a few weeks ago i was helping change the floor set at our store, which happens every few months. usually we work overnights but this time we worked 5am shifts instead. which if you know me you know that thrilled me to no end, because i am about as much a morning person as a bat. which is to say, not at all.

so i run out of my house a little before 5 to find that the driveway is covered with approximately two inches of snow.

(this is very good news seeing as i am wearing dainty little black flats.)

i gingerly put my foot forth into The Sea of Snow…

..and it cracks.

you would think the fact that it was FREEZING would have been an indicator that the snow had frozen, but at 5am in the morning i’m lucky if i have even four and a half neurons firing properly, so there’s that.

i creep across the frozen snow to my car, which was iced over.

ICED. OVER.

wonderful.

i get in my car and try to use the wipers to get all the snow and ice off the windshield, but they move approximately half a millimeter and stop.

i am not a member of phi kappa phi for nothing, people.

i run back into the house to grab my ice scraper. (we will not mention that said ice scraper made its home in my car all summer when it was hotter than hades outside and that during the winter it was in my house instead. except we already have mentioned it, so now we’ll just carry on.)

now maybe where you live you would just run into the house and not lock your car. probably you would do this because, after all, your car is in your driveway and you will be in your house approximately half a second. however, probably you were not raised in metro detroit and by a hispanic woman. because people who were raised in metro detroit by people who were raised in honduras are too paranoid to leave their cars unattended and unlocked for half a second for any reason even if there is nothing in it. and i should tell you i was leaving my purse in there, so i’m concerned (at 5am in unholy weather with one digit temperatures and the whole world iced over) that someone might try to steal my stuff.

ahem. remember at this point i maybe have four and a half neurons firing properly. maybe.

so i run into the house, grab my ice scraper, run outside, scrape off my car, and open my car door to throw the scraper in the back seat.

just kidding.

i didn’t open the car door. i tried to open the car door. i pulled the handle and nothing. it didn’t give. at all.

oh, no, i think. oh. no.

i try the driver’s door and it doesn’t open either.

and all of a sudden it hits me and i’m all, “OH MY GOSH IT’S FIVE AM AND I’M FREEZING AND I’M RUNNING LATE AND MY CAR DOORS ARE FROZEN SHUT.”

now the winter before this i spent on the west side of michigan, where it is colder, snowier, and altogether more wintery than where i grew up. and this has never happened to me before. my car doors have never just been frozen shut.

but i’m standing outside with my ice scraper and my car keys in hand and did i tell you? my car doors are FROZEN SHUT.

hold up.

car keys.

i click the unlock button even though i know, when your car doors are frozen shut, your car doors are FROZEN. SHUT. and i try the driver’s door again even though i know it isn’t going to open.

except then it does.

which all just goes to show you that when it’s 5am and your car is covered with snow and it’s so cold that the snow is frozen and your car doors are covered with ice, maybe the reason your car doors won’t open is actually because your car is locked.

four and a half neurons, people. four and a half neurons.

annie recently graduated from a public university in the mitten with a degree in english literature and language and a minor in history. she uses the neurons that survived that endeavor to blog, tweet, and pin.
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1 Comment

  • Reply
    Aubrey
    February 26, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Hooray for Meyers-Briggs and Enneagram tests! Okay, I realize that wasn’t the point of the post, but I basically go a little fangirl over personality tests.
    I am an I [S/N] [T/F] J — meaning every time I take the MBPTI, I am always an ‘I’ and a ‘J,’ but I could be any combination of S/N or T/F, depending on the day.
    And I am a 5 — meaning we should totally technically not be friends ever, because 8s love conflict and 5s avoid it like the plague, but my BFF is an 8 and I love her so I think we would be okay.

    My car froze shut under a nice quarter inch of ice a few years ago. It was a blast to run in and out of my second floor apartment with my roommate, carrying pitchers of hot water to pour over our cars and then chip away at the slowly melting and quickly refreezing ice. Ah, the joys of America’s High Five… :) Glad your car wasn’t frozen shut, sorry about the 5am shifts.

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