The Big Un-Secret (about my v-card)

Jesus, Relationships, singleness

Here’s the deal. It’s a day to get a little real around here.

Serious face (circa 2012, because I'm not wearing any makeup right now)

Serious face (circa 2012, because I’m not wearing any makeup right now)

If you’ve been around WMSB for more than six months you’d know that I started this blog after a huge life change and move. Prior to that, my home on the web was called Three Years Down. For the last several months of TYD I lived with my boyfriend. So let’s clear the air and get the un-secret out of the closet. I am not a virgin. I’m not and I haven’t been since I was 19. And it makes my heart pound to put that out here for all of you to see, even though I was sure you all assumed it anyway.

Now, if you read that paragraph and you thought, “What a slut” then I implore you at this very moment to check your heart. Get on your knees and pray for God to flash only the sins you’ve committed in the last 7 days before your eyes. If you can’t move forward in this post without internally calling me a few names that have to do with promiscuity, then I invite you to come back tomorrow for a less scandalous and less honest post. I’ll still be here, and I’ll still love having you around. But this post isn’t about that.

The big un secret

Earlier this week Bernadette at Barefoot Hippie Girl wrote a post about Purity v. Virginity and my oh my did it hit the nail on the head. Purity and virginity are not the same. This is what she had to say on the portion relevant to my life (and she shares so much more wisdom there, please go read it):

Your virginity is precious. Once it is gone, it is gone forever. But our virginity is not our purity.

If we equate our virginity with our purity, then what happens when we lose our virginity in any context besides marriage? Are we then impure? For how long? Forever?

If you are Christian then you understand that Satan is the father of lies. He’s called that for a reason. He is good at it. And from that very moment when I was 19 until I was 25, he followed me around with this lie. It came internally, it came externally, it came from comments made at church by people who didn’t know my history, it came out of the mouths of emotionally abusive ex boyfriends, it came from an associate pastor at a church I never went back to, it came in waves late at night when I was in bed… and it sounded something like this:

  • – You will never be enough for a good Christian man.
  • – Now that you’ve slept with him, you have to marry him, even though he is mean and awful and doesn’t care about you.
  • – You are defective product.
  • – You cannot serve in ministry.
  • – You have failed at life.
  • – Nothing matters anymore because you’ve committed the ultimate sin.
  • – You might as well give up being a Christian right now, because clearly you suck at it.
  • – Being a virgin is the most important thing to Jesus, and you’ve failed at it.
  • – You are an imposter.
  • – You are dirty.
  • – You will never, ever, ever be enough.

And those are just the highlights. The highlights, people. (It also shows if you’re itching to hit that comment button and call me names, it’s a waste of your time. Satan has told me all of them already.) And I think it’s time to start discussing what happens to a girl who has been told to save herself for marriage over and over and is never told WHY it’s important, only that Jesus will be really, really mad if she gives up her v-card.

Why else (besides Jesus will be upset) is it important to wait until marriage? I will list a few things I’ve learned by NOT waiting:

  • – You create a heart connection with that person you sleep with.
  • – You invite Satan to attack areas of your life you did not even know could hurt.
  • – You feel it in your soul when you lose your virginity. (In the risk of being TMI in an already TMI post, I cried. I cried a lot right there and for years afterwards, even though I “knew” what I was doing when I made that choice.)
  • – There are risks we all learned in sex-ed in school that go far beyond possible pregnancy if you’re not careful, and sometimes even if you are careful.
  • – It is so, so much harder to walk away from an unhealthy, even abusive, relationship when you feel that tie to someone.
  • – It can become an idol, not just in a lusty way. It can become an idol where you believe your value is shown in how often someone wants to sleep with you. It can become a measure by which you determine you’re not good enough – even for the non-Christian guys who don’t care if you were a virgin before they met you or not.
  • – When you have these feelings and you’re not in a 100% committed relationship, you immediately become vulnerable and unprotected, and it takes a lot of prayer and Jesus to come back from that.

I wish someone had told me these things. I wish someone had told me it’s so much more than Jesus doesn’t want you to. I wish someone had been open and honest and told me it hurt daily on an emotional level and not just on an “I broke a rule” level.

waiting

If you are waiting, I encourage you to keep waiting. It is worth it. It is a beautiful gift to give your husband. But if you haven’t waited, let me tell you some truths that Jesus says:

  • * Nothing we can do can ever separate us from Him.
  • * He loves us the same before and after our sin.
  • * You can stop living that life. Nothing says that because you did it once (or a million times) you have to do it again. And you can walk proud in that.
  • * He has a good and perfect plan for our life.
  • * He can make us white as snow.
  • * Our identity is in him, not in the sin we have committed, no matter what that sin is.
  • * You CAN be pure. In fact, if you’ve repented, you are already pure.

“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior.  But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.” Colossians 1:21-22

If you want to discuss this, I welcome positive and helpful comments. I will delete anything rude or hateful, because that is the last thing men and women who struggle with the lies of satan need. Also, if you want to email me privately, you can reach me at wheremysoulbelongs [at] gmail [dot] com.

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91 Comments

  • Reply
    barefoothippiegirl
    June 27, 2013 at 4:04 am

    Brittany, this was beautiful, honest, vulnerable and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story. People will probably judge, but you will connect with others. God bless you!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 6:59 am

      Thank you :). I really appreciate you writing your post in the first place. I never would have had the courage otherwise.

  • Reply
    anlundstrom
    June 27, 2013 at 4:05 am

    I am so glad that you are willing to share your experience. You are right that Satan whispers lies to us and makes us think that one choice changes you forever and makes you something unpure. We all sin. We all make choices. We all make mistakes. Yours does not make you any more unworthy of God’s love than mine. I hope you continue to share your story openly and honestly.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 7:01 am

      Thank you, Allison. You are so spot on. He does everything he can to twist our thoughts and actions away from Christ, no matter what the topic. (What a jerk!)

  • Reply
    Marilyn
    June 27, 2013 at 5:57 am

    I really, really appreciate your courage and honesty. Your words and story point me to Christ, and I am always grateful when someone does that. Thank you.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 7:02 am

      I am glad my story does that. God can use everything, can’t he?

  • Reply
    Sarah
    June 27, 2013 at 6:23 am

    Oh gosh you have GOT to listen to Marian Jordan’s “Cherished” podcast series on this topic. I think I’ve recommended you to her before. You can download the “redeemed girl” app and all her podcasts are on there. The cherished series deals with this very issue. IT’S AWESOME.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 7:02 am

      I will download it later this morning! Thank you!

  • Reply
    Mackenzie
    June 27, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Brittany, I sure love you. I’m so sorry that you’ve been lied to on so many occasions, and I am so grateful that aren’t settling on those lies. Those truths at the bottom of your post had me in tears. Because I know they are true for you, and for so many reading. Way to bring light to a sometimes scary, “untouchable” subject. You are brave.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 7:00 am

      Way to get me teary eyed before I get out of bed! Ha thanks, girlfriend. I appreciate your love and support more than you know.

  • Reply
    Alicia
    June 27, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Brittany, I appreciate the courage it took for you to write something like this, and I agree with you that it’s something that should be talked about! There are so many things that we hear we shouldn’t do, but are never told the reasons why. Your post is honest and vulnerable, and I want to thank you for writing it.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 7:03 am

      Thank you, Alicia. :) your support is very encouraging at a pretty scary time for me.

  • Reply
    Stacy
    June 27, 2013 at 7:38 am

    Amen, sister. :)

    “There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)

    “Therefore, brothers [and sisters!], since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in FULL assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled CLEAN from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with PURE water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.” (Hebrews 10:19-23)

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 9:49 am

      Good, good words.

  • Reply
    Juliette
    June 27, 2013 at 7:51 am

    This post got me really emotional. Thank you for writing it!! With so many people it’s still a taboo topic, and I think it’s so important for people to realize exactly what you and Bernadette said: that virginity and purity aren’t the same. I appreciate so much your honesty and the truth you’ve written! It’s so good to be reminded that Jesus knows the HEART. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 8:56 am

      I am so glad to call you my Internet and real life friend, Juliette :). You are absolutely right.

  • Reply
    Jessi
    June 27, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Beautiful Brittany. And so full of truth!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 8:57 am

      Thank you, Jessi.

  • Reply
    Nicki Van
    June 27, 2013 at 8:35 am

    Thank you for writing this post in such a vulnerable and honest way. It brought me to tears because I saw so much of myself. I wrote a post that will be published later today from another angle – one in which I was taught and believed all of the same things about the high value of virginity as a teenager and young adult. It led me to marry a man who did not care for me, only for the fact that I was a virgin when we married. It ended in heartbreak and shattered dreams, and it led to years that I separated myself from God.

    You are so, so brave to share this so candidly. I look so forward to reading more of your posts. <3

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 9:01 am

      Oh Nicki, I am so sorry you experienced that. I am looking forward to reading your story. Something I didn’t have space or emotional energy for in my post is the damage that the high high value placed on this causes. Yes sexual sin is different, but it is not the only thing that matters to the value of young men and women. Our identity and value should come only through Christ. And when we are living that out, the rest does follow. You are worth so much more than how that man subjected you.

      I’m praying for you, sister.

      • Reply
        barefoothippiegirl
        June 27, 2013 at 9:21 am

        Nicki and Brittany…I almost really addressed the topic of modesty in my post. I am so annoyed by all the vehement posts written about modesty and placing it squarely on us girls. I think these are just surface issues. By focusing on the surface, we are missing something huge. Vicki, I’d love to read your post when you write it. Where can I find it?

        • Reply
          Brittany
          June 27, 2013 at 9:52 am

          YES! It is not only our responsibility. If men are looking at us as sisters in Christ, then that burden is also on them to separate their thoughts and be responsible for their actions.

          This is definitely a subject that I appreciate people diving into. I don’t feel like I have the background to do it well enough. I’d love to read more on this subject.

        • Reply
          (k)atty at law
          June 27, 2013 at 7:18 pm

          SO SO MUCH THIS. My final straw with Campus Crusade was when they separated all the men from the women. The men were told that women are more likely to sin by falling in love with them and wanting to be married to them and have their babies, so they have to sit their female friends down, one-on-one, and define the relationship to let the friends know that marriage is not in their future. The women were told that if a woman sees a gorgeous man without a shirt, she’ll probably fantasize about maybe hugging him but that’s all, while if a man sees a woman in a knee-length skirt, he can’t avoid fantasizing about sex with her. Having personally experienced multiple situations where female friends and I fantasized about FAR MORE than a guy’s nice arms wrapped kindly around our waists, and also experiencing tons of situations where guys fell head over heels in love with women who not only had no interest in them but had never done a thing to create any perception they might… it was too much. Everybody needs to learn control, both about their feelings and their lusts. You have to learn to pay attention in school no matter what the person next to you is wearing. You can’t control what other people do, no matter how hard you try– all you can control is yourself.

          • Brittany
            June 27, 2013 at 7:38 pm

            YES! I was told something very similar. Once one of my best friends in high school was told her clothing (that was totally modest to me) was causing sin in the hearts of the ADULT MEN who struggled with sexual addiction. At what point does someone thing it’s OK to tell a 15 year old girl it’s her fault that grown men can’t control themselves?

            Men and women, teenage boys and girls, we all have to be responsible because none of us are exempt from temptation. I have no idea where this idea came from that women fantasize about babies and men fantasize about sex and that’s just the way it is. UGH.

  • Reply
    stultsmamaof4
    June 27, 2013 at 8:44 am

    So humble and honest! I know this will reach many hearts who need to hear these truths! I’m visiting from the Desire to Inspire link-up. :)

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 8:58 am

      Thank you for stopping by! I really hope it brings God’s truth to the forefront. Nothing we can do, no matter what kind of sin we commit, can separate us from him.

  • Reply
    anendlessstream
    June 27, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Out of all the posts I have read, I have never read one as real and honest as this one. I am so glad you had the courage to write this! People need to hear that lies shouldn’t bring us down and dictate how we live.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 8:56 am

      Thank you. This and your tweet really touched my soul.

  • Reply
    Breenah
    June 27, 2013 at 8:51 am

    <3

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 8:56 am

      <3 :)

  • Reply
    Deanna
    June 27, 2013 at 9:23 am

    From one who has never been in your shoes, I still thank you for writing this. I think sometimes it can be hard to realize what others go through, when they choose not to remain a virgin. I found the post enlightening. There have been times I questioned whether it was so important to remain this way until marriage. There were times I wondered if I really was too old fashioned, and stuck in my ways, when I saw others having intimate relationships (and not just sexual ones, which I say because I rarely date). There have been times where jealousy tried to convince me that I could be happy following social norms. Ultimately however, even before I was a “Christian”, this was not acceptable to me.

    Now being in my mid-thirties I am still single, and not really actively looking for relationship, but I don’t feel like I have missed out on much, most of the time. Instead I see how I remained true to myself, and after becoming a Christian, true to what Jesus would have me to do. I don’t even think I am ready for a relationship with that level of responsibility and heart trust yet, only because I have more I want to work on first, and I want to be certain I find someone who will place God first and take on the leadership role as God intended, and for me I want to be sure that I place God first, and center in the relationship and do not lose myself to people pleasing, for I know that is a struggle of mine.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 9:55 am

      Keep holding on Christ, sister. There is no rush to get married. God’s timing has a purpose. And from the bottom of my heart I pray that you will continue to hold ont your beliefs on this matter. You are not old fashioned or stuck in your ways. You are inspiringly obedient to both yourself and God. I love that.

      People pleasing is kind of a struggle of mine too. It sounds like you’re working in the right direction! Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Reply
    Lauren Nelson
    June 27, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Beautiful and encouraging post! This is my first time to come across your blog and with content like this I will be coming back again! It is honesty like this that needs to be shared more often and I can only imagine what courage it took for you to write it. Thank you for sharing and most importantly for encouraging!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 9:57 am

      Thank you, Lauren. It is terrifying, but I’m hoping that through my fear, the obedience to Christ allows his truth to shine through. I know my fear when I was younger is that if I told anyone, they’d be so ashamed of me and wouldn’t want to be friends. Hopefully this hits some people who are listening to Satan’s lies without anyone around who knows their situation to tell them the truth.

      Thanks for stopping by. It’s an honor to have you here :).

  • Reply
    Melissa
    June 27, 2013 at 9:38 am

    You are so, so brave and I’m tearing up as I read this. God bless you, Brittany. You’re wonderful you know that? And for you to share this with all of us, God will bless you.

    * Our identity is in him, not in the sin we have committed, no matter what that sin is.
    * You CAN be pure. In fact, if you’ve repented, you are already pure.

    Such a beautiful comment and so true. Thank you again.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 9:56 am

      Thank you, Melissa. <3

  • Reply
    Nichole
    June 27, 2013 at 10:19 am

    I enjoyed reading this because as a 29 year old virgin, I started thinking that maybe I won’t ever meet that person I am supposed to be with and have sex. I mean it seems there is this pressure for teenagers and young adults to have sex and if you don’t? Well you get laughed at. I always felt embarrassed about the fact until I was saved last year and had some intimate talks with some Christian friends.

    I’ve learned that, from these girls, that they wish they could be in my shoes and not have made the choice that they did. I rolled my eyes at the time like, “okay what’s great about being a virgin?” But then after I saw my one friend break down during a lunch break because she was reflecting on a past boyfriend who was her first, I had a change of heart.

    I realized that there’s nothing embarrassing about it, that waiting will be worth it and it excites me that when I do meet the one God has intended for me, that it will be something special. And despite pressure from outside forces I guess you could say, I just shrug it off my shoulders.

    It’s funny but I’ve come across a lot more positive reaction and responses from friends and friends of friends (you know cause girls are chatty things) than negative.

    Thanks for posting this. It’s refreshing to see another side and to keep myself from thinking I am doing something wrong by waiting because society, rather the devil doesn’t want us to wait. It’s so easy to conform to that than go against and be mocked.

    It’s also good that Jesus does wash us white as snow no matter if we are a virgin or not, no matter what sin we committ. Thanks again! And sorry for such a long comment! :)

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 10:21 am

      Nichole, this gave me goosebumps, still here as I write this. I know I don’t know you, but I am so proud of you. “I realized that there’s nothing embarrassing about it, that waiting will be worth it and it excites me that when I do meet the one God has intended for me, that it will be something special. And despite pressure from outside forces I guess you could say, I just shrug it off my shoulders.”

      There is NOTHING embarrassing. It is an honor to yourself and to your one-day-husband and God that you have held onto this. I always hope to encourage my friends in their mid to late 20s and 30s. It is WORTH it. I know it is hard, but keep holding onto Christ. He will carry you through and you will reap the reward of your patience in his timing.

      Thank you for your long comment, sister. I am sure there are women here who needed to read it. It is an honor to have you.

  • Reply
    Liz
    June 27, 2013 at 10:50 am

    I admire you for sharing this. I know it takes a lot of courage and bravery to put yourself out there and to share your story. I have done similar with my mental health and abuse. I admire you for sharing it especially since so many Christians refuse to talk about this side of matters, and it’s something that really needs to be shared.

    My exes have wanted sex or for me to take off my shirt, etc., and it always hurt me so much because I thought that I was being wrong and unfair to have not wanted to do that and to have wanted to wait instead. And sometimes I wonder if waiting is truly worth it, but then I look at my friends who have had bad outcomes, and then I remember why I’m waiting.

    I follow Jesus and believe in God, but my choice to wait until marriage to have sex comes from a time before I really had any sort of faith and believed in them. However, hopefully this post will speak to someone’s head and stay in someone’s heart, thus preventing them from doing something that will haunt them for a while.

    You’re truly a brave soul.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 11:18 am

      “I follow Jesus and believe in God, but my choice to wait until marriage to have sex comes from a time before I really had any sort of faith and believed in them.” Hold onto this. This internal conviction is super important as well. Jesus can carry you through the temptation and feelings, but this ultimate rock of belief will help you so much. Don’t let anyone, not even exes or “friends” or family tell you otherwise. You are an incredible woman for waiting and I respect you for your choices.

      Thank you for your encouragement. I really appreciate it.

  • Reply
    tamara0827
    June 27, 2013 at 11:01 am

    I found this post via Twitter – it’s so wonderful! I gave my virginity away to my boyfriend at 16 and struggled with it (even though I felt like I was okay with it) and struggled with my Christianity for years after. We actually did end up getting married (8 years in August!) but now my biggest worry is how to explain my actions to my daughter when she’s old enough and how it can affect you. I was one of the lucky ones.

    A wonderfully written post – thank you for being brave enough to share!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 11:19 am

      Thank you, Tamara. I’m so glad you’re here! I have friends who had similar circumstances and wonder the same thing. I have no insight, other than to share the consequences you felt even though you later got married.

      Thank you for sharing your story, and congratulations on 8 years! That’s awesome!

  • Reply
    Sarah
    June 27, 2013 at 11:30 am

    I connect so strongly with the “knew it in your soul” part of this post. I am not religious, nor was I raised to be. However, I was raised to keep my ‘purity’ in tact until marriage. So, at 19 when I met a boy that I ‘loved’ but totally wasn’t right for me at all. He waited six months for us to have sex but I did it because I felt I ‘had’ to – at 19, I didn’t know that that was the wrong feeling. I will never forget how I felt after we did it for the first time – I cried for hours and hours, even after he fell asleep. I’ve come to terms with it three years later but I’m glad that someone, who shares the same views that I should have waited until marriage regardless of religion, feels the same way. So, thank you. Thank you for making me realize that the feelings and that the terms that I’ve come to are OK – that I am not dirty, that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am still a valued human being. Thank you.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 12:58 pm

      Oh Sarah, I am so sorry you felt the same way I did. I would not wish it on anyone. You are not dirty. There is nothing wrong with you. You still have value. You are worth so much more than how you feel that changed you. And you can start again. If you’re not married, you can still renew that value in your life.

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. I truly appreciate your vulnerability and wish I could give you a big hug right now!

  • Reply
    Gypsi
    June 27, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Beautiful, heartfelt post. Well done!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 12:57 pm

      Thank you :).

  • Reply
    Erika (@rougeandwhimsy)
    June 27, 2013 at 11:35 am

    I feel like the church loves to focus on sexuality as the worst sin, when all of us struggle and fall flat on our faces with so many different struggles. In high school I was that Christian who judged and judged and did not know what grace meant– grace from God or grace from others. I thought because I was doing the “right things” I was good with God. That is just as big of a sin– sin is sin! If we repent and go to God, then we are washed free– whatever our sin was.

    Thank you for your amazing honesty Brittany. The thing is, I know SO many women who struggled with the lie that because they slept with someone, they are no longer welcome into the body of Christ. We need to speak up and tell them it’s not true– if we are in Christ, we are a new creation.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 1:00 pm

      I agree. This is a big deal, but it is not the only sin. I have friends now in their late 20s who are starting to confess the sin of pride and how they thought they had it all right, just like you’ve said. It’s an ugly sin that sometimes pops up into my life on different issues and I have to quash it by reminding myself that GOD is the one in control here, not me.

      I hope this helps the women who have walked away from God thinking they aren’t good enough. There is a place for them in our church family because we have all fallen so so short ourselves, no matter what our sin is.

  • Reply
    Amanda {A Royal Daughter}
    June 27, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    First of all – girl I love you! Thank you for being vulnerable, for sharing truth and pain and brokenness – and REDEMPTION!

    Secondly, I’ve read all of the comments and I am so thankful to God that your story is touching so many!

    And lastly: I agree with you and Bernadette. Purity and Virginity are NOT THE SAME THING and I think the church has failed young Christian women and girls by emphasizing virginity. Purity comes from submission and surrender to the Holy Spirit. It’s a spiritual issue. I was a virgin when I got married, but I was not pure. And while I know I am responsible for my thoughts and actions, I always felt a bit cheated by the whole “True Love Waits” movement from my teenage years. It is only because of the grace of God that my husband and I didn’t have sex before our wedding. But we where oh-so-very tempted, and our thoughts were easily lead astray. And I for one was NOT prepared for that kind of temptation.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 1:06 pm

      Thank you for helping me on the journey to vulnerability :). I was signed up for Haley’s class at Influence Net last night and had to miss it because of work. I’m looking forward to watching the recording.

      I am also so grateful God is using this testimony of my struggle and sin. I wasn’t sure why he wanted me to write it and was absolutely terrified. Like sick to my stomach terrified. So I’m incredibly grateful that my experiences have at least not gone to waste in the “sin basket.”

      I think you’ve hit a HUGE point in number three. Virginity is important – but if we don’t remain pure in other areas the temptation is going to be too great (as I learned the hard way). Our thoughts, actions, positions we place ourselves in, etc etc etc need to be pure. We need to be in relationship with Christ. There’s a reason the bible says to flee from sexual temptation – it is VERY tempting! We need to be telling young men and women to take responsibility for their thoughts and bring them to the alter, because purity is where it all begins. Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate insight from women who did wait and how they did that. God’s grace is so, so good isn’t it???

  • Reply
    Jena Webber
    June 27, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    The only thing I would call you is: brave, honest, smart and godly. YOU are worthy. Thanks for sharing.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 6:01 pm

      Oh, Jena… :) Thank you.

  • Reply
    (k)atty at law
    June 27, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    My biggest problem with “virginity” is that it isn’t a real thing. The state of not having had sex yet- we don’t have anything similar for any other thing that people do as they get older. You’re born a “virgin” so basically you’re just living waiting to stop being one, which is absurd. There are rights of passage for most of the things you do for the first time as you get older. Sex is the only one that people are told to be ashamed of, and, well, NONE OF US WOULD BE HERE WITHOUT IT. The whole thing about “giving” your virginity, or having it “taken” is sort of sick too. It rolls right into the purity you’re talking about – you lose your purity either way, but it’s either your choice to give it away or somebody else’s choice to take it.

    Did you read the stuff Elizabeth Smart said about virginity / abstinence-only education? The gist of it was the awful “chewed-up gross gum” analogy made her feel less worthy of life after her kidnapper raped her when she was 14. She was so worried that because she wasn’t a virgin anymore, no one, including God, would want her.

    My high school boyfriend was extremely religious (as was I at the time) and he was absolutely not going to have sex before he got married. He had no problem getting completely naked or [edited by Brittany: doing a lot of sexual stuff that was still not pure and awfully close to sex], but he certainly wasn’t going to have sex. What the hell is that about? How in the world is the one single act of a specific organ penetrating another specific organ the main thing that God is concerned about? It doesn’t make a lick of sense. It didn’t then, and still doesn’t. I’m so glad I figured that out before I married him.

    I guess this is all to say that no sin is any worse than any other sin in the realm of divine forgiveness. People who judge those who choose to have premarital sex are just as guilty of sin as the fornicators they’re passing judgment on. Worse, if they spread gossip or try to shame others, because that’s two or three sins instead of just one. SO THERE. And sex is fun. So get it, girl. Nothing wrong with a little fun.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 27, 2013 at 7:46 pm

      The stuff Elizabeth Smart said almost lead me to write a post like this, but I just wasn’t ready. I related to her so much and I made a conscious choice to have sex before marriage. It is horribly sad what has been done to the hearts of women (possibly men, although I’ve never heard anyone talk about it) by emphasizing how much of our worth comes from our bodies. All I wanted was to buy her a cup of coffee, give her a hug, and tell her that nothing that happened to her was her fault. Ugh.

      I feel like a conversation on PURITY would have changed the opinion of people in my youth group on all that extracurricular activity that people seemed to justify as being OK. Because you’re totally right that it doesn’t make sense God would be OK with everything done up until that one magic point where SUDDENLY you’ve reached the sin part.

      “Worse, if they spread gossip or try to shame others, because that’s two or three sins instead of just one.” Amen. Christians need to be building each other up, not tearing them down. When someone has sin in their life the goal should be encouragement, not getting stoked that there’s something new to talk about. Now that’s a whole post in and of itself!

      Thanks for your insight, girl. I really appreciate hearing your experience.

  • Reply
    lauren at mercy ink
    June 27, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Brittany: My first time visiting and I like you already ;) So appreciate the way you handled this, vulnerably but boldly, and with grace, and most of all, with Truth. Pray He will continue to lead you and allow you to speak truth and freedom into the lives of others.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:48 pm

      It’s lovely to have you here, Lauren. Thank you so much for your encouragement.

  • Reply
    interrobangkjl
    June 28, 2013 at 6:57 am

    extremely great and brave post!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 29, 2013 at 11:46 am

      Thank you :). I couldn’t have hit “publish” without a lot of prayer.

  • Reply
    Katie
    June 28, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Thank you so much for posting this!! One of the other tricks Satan uses is for us to keep our stories and the truth we know to ourselves, so I’m so blessed by your willingness to share. Posting this was a blow to satan today! You are 100% right about everything you posted– sex IS more than physical. That’s why God says to wait. But it doesn’t mean that if you’ve had sex outside of marriage that you can never be forgiven or pure again. I’ve lied and cursed and gossiped this week– my sins are just as wrong as sex outside of marriage. Thank God for grace that covers us ALL. I was a virgin before I got married, but my husband wasn’t. It was difficult for me for a while to know that he had shared this bond with someone else before. But our God is a God of restoration, and he’s healing that hurt that I had.

    ps– I just found your blog today. I love finding blogs of other lawyers!! :) Hope you have a great weekend, Brittany!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:49 pm

      Thanks for stopping by, Katie!! I bet that was a difficult situation to be in, and I’m so glad God is healing that hurt. He is a God of restoration and hope :).

  • Reply
    Carly
    June 28, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    This is beautiful. I admire you’re strength and honesty. I agree 100% with everything you said. I hope that other people will see this and feel the love of Jesus and Christians.

    -Carly

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:50 pm

      Thank you so much, Carly. I hope that as well. The love in these comments is overwhelmingly beautiful. :)

  • Reply
    Rob
    June 29, 2013 at 7:44 am

    Nice post Brittany. Your words are inspirational and instructive to me as I attempt to raise two daughters in a Christian household.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      June 29, 2013 at 11:45 am

      Rob, what a surprise to see you here! I did not grow up in a christian home so didn’t even think this post could encourage from that perspective. I hope you glanced through some of the comments as well. I found them very informative. My biggest suggestion is to keep pointing your daughters’ eyes to Jesus and let them know how very loved they already are. Thanks for sharing :).

  • Reply
    Amanda Bumgarner
    June 29, 2013 at 8:06 am

    I’m really so glad you posted this. I know how scary it can be to be so vulnerable. When my husband and I first started dating, we had to have a conversation about how he wasn’t a virgin. As someone who always wanted to save herself for marriage, that was hard for me to hear, and it took a while to get over it. But I absolutely agree with you that it’s so sad what Christians teach young kids about sexuality. I think it should be discussed more and not seen as this horrible thing that if you do it, you’re ruined forever. I LOVE your reasons about why it’s important to save sex for marriage, and I think you have an even stronger testimony now because of what you’ve experienced. Well done.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:53 pm

      Thank you so much for sharing, Amanda. I can’t imagine how that conversation must have felt to you :(. It was very terrifying to post this and definitely required a LOT of prayer!

  • Reply
    Mommao
    June 29, 2013 at 10:44 am

    As someone who most would have considered less-than-pure with her sexuality, I would like to add my own thoughts, if you don’t mind :)

    1. When you finally find THE ONE – the person who is your everything – the one who is the Ying to your Yang – you will think about all those other people – and you will be VERY upset with yourself. Not because those other things happened, per se – but because you are going to want to take them all back and share them with that ONE person. It isn’t just sex and it isn’t just your body – it IS your soul.

    2. One day, you are going to look in the mirror and NOT like what you see.

    3. Your self worth is not defined by who wants to sleep with you. Every man in the world WANTS to sleep with you. You are trying to equate sex with a relationship – and that isn’t how it works. Who cares if a million men want to be with you physically if you aren’t with the one who wants to be with you emotionally and mentally?

    4. It is a slippery slope. You may start to feel bad about your sexual choices, to which you may turn to other substances to make you “feel” better about those choices – which leads to more bad choices.

    5. If someone cannot respect your choice to wait – then they are ready for you anyway.

    6. Most importantly, if you have already fallen off the V-wagon and are feeling disgusted with yourself – give your thoughts to the Lord. He has forgiven you – and if He can forgive you, you certainly CAN forgive yourself and move forward.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:54 pm

      Oh goodness gracious. There’s nothing I can say here to add. This comment is so full of wisdom and truth. I am honored that you shared your thoughts here. So good.

  • Reply
    hopefulleigh
    June 30, 2013 at 9:25 am

    I’m so glad you no longer believe those lies about yourself, Brittany. I hope writing this post was another extension of healing for you.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:55 pm

      Thank you, Leigh. It was very freeing.

  • Reply
    Rachel Hillary
    June 30, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Brittany, I have read this about three times since you first posted it, trying to find the right words of appreciation for everything you say. I have come up empty, but know that this post has impacted me greatly, so much so that I am saving this for my future nieces, daughters and even nephews and sons because I need the next generation to understand this truth in their hearts. I needed to hear this. Thank you, thank you.
    So many blessings to you!!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:56 pm

      Thank you so much, Rachel. I am humbled by your words.

  • Reply
    Sarah Alway
    July 1, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Brittany this is a really nice post! I admire your honesty and ability to put it all out there for everyone to see. And I hate to think that anyone would judge you for your words or actions! But some people are just haters. I am not religious so I don’t have much of an opinion on that aspect of things, but I do think way too many people lose their virginity too early these days, and it makes me sad.

    Sarah @ Life As Always

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:50 pm

      “some people are just haters.” haha you crack me up, girl. :) Thank you for sharing. I agree, it is very sad.

  • Reply
    firewifey
    July 1, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    I love you, girl and am so proud of you for sharing this. I’m so glad you recognize the lies for what they are now. You are a BELOVED Child of God. He loves you so much, girl! Also, whoa crap that’s a lot of comments! But really, it is so awesome that you are sharing straight up and from your hearts and knowing that you could totally be judged. I think it is so helpful for women to see the real reason’s why we wait. Not just “because it’s bad.” My pastor called sex a fire. It’s great in a fireplace (marriage), but when it’s in the living room, then it’s not safe and not good. He backed it up with a lot of these same reasons. Our church did a really great job with True Love Waits — I don’t think I thank God enough for how he blessed me with that.

    This may sound judgy, so I apologize if it does (feel free to delete it). However, if there is such a difference between purity and virginity (and I agree that there is), couldn’t there be something said about reclaiming your purity? I mean, as a step in purity deciding not to sleep with someone until you are married. I am not saying that to make any assumptions about what you have or haven’t been doing, but just a thought.

    Love you, girl!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 1, 2013 at 10:39 pm

      That is so awesome that your church had a great true love waits program!!! I haven’t heard many (if any) people say that before. You were definitely blessed :).

      I hope I communicated in the post that purity can be restored by God and reclaimed in exactly that same manner. No matter what you’ve done or who your done it with you can hold onto God’s restoration and not fall back into that pit. If I didn’t, I’m saying it now! In fact, that’s one of the key reasons purity is different. And when you’re living a life of purity it spills into countless area of your life – including the places and positions you put yourself in that would lead to the fire-zone in your living room :). There is nothing stoping any man or woman who has lost their virginity to stop the cycle right where they are and hold onto Jesus and the cross.

  • Reply
    Rolando
    July 4, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Hi, I recently found your blog and it’s nice to read it :) And about your post, everyone of us make mistakes. I made mistakes that hurt the heart of Jesus. But Jesus always says that He loves us, no matters what we did, He’s always waiting for us with open arms and He always give us a second chance and like you said: He is the only one that can make us white as snow.

    I love this verse: Romans 8:38-39: “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

    I really admire your honestly to write this words.
    Blessings from Mexico! :)

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:51 pm

      Thank you so much for stopping by, Rolando! Your words are covered in truth. I appreciate you sharing here. :)

  • Reply
    Barbie
    July 6, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Stopping over from Melanie’s! I am so thankful to have come here to read your words. First, thank you for your courage to share your heart and your journey. I know how you feel. I wasn’t raised in a Christian home and although I didn’t have anyone telling me not to, the still small voice of God inside my head was begging me not to. But I did. and I have struggled my entire life with feelings on shame, guilt and unworthiness. But God brought me a wonderful man who accepted me, as flawed and scarred as I was, and we had the most wonderful wedding night. God will restore to you the years that the enemy has stolen from you! He is so good and loving. Blessings!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:44 pm

      I wasn’t raised in a Christian home either, and I really hope to bring Jesus’ truth to my future family. Thank you for sharing your story of God’s faithfulness! Blessings to you too, Barbie!

  • Reply
    Adri
    July 7, 2013 at 8:36 am

    I think your readership is probably pretty diverse, and some of us think there is nothing wrong with premarital sex, so there’s nothing to judge in your post anyway. What there is, however, is a ton of honesty and beautiful writing. Thank you for being so genuine and for baring your soul about something that is obviously a very delicate area. Regardless of whether virginity is an issue to your readers or not, all of us have things we struggle with, and it was so refreshing to see a blogger show us her journey in one such area. You are so brave! Thank you for sharing this with us.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:43 pm

      Thank you so much, Adri. I appreciate your support and encouraging words more than you know. :)

  • Reply
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    July 13, 2013 at 10:00 am

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  • Reply
    Karen
    July 13, 2013 at 10:19 am

    I found your blog by following a link from Bekah’s Bits and I applaud you…more people need to realize that our God is soooo awesome! We may fail Him & ourselves at times, but His love NEVER fails us. His perfect plan for our lives includes recovery from the many human mistakes that all of us make because they were already judged at the cross and we just need to take responsibility for our choices. He loves us anyway even is He has to punish us for some wrongdoing and if we humble ourselves and accept the punishment for what it is, it turns into blessing. The key is to acknowledge our sins, know that He has forgiven us and then move on because guilt, resentment, jealousy, etc are sins also and can destroy us if we allow it even though we have been forgiven for the original sin that started us on a slippery slope and trust me, there isn’t one single person on this earth who hasn’t sinned. It doesn’t matter what other ‘humans’ think of you…it is what God thinks of you that counts. Keep looking to Jesus and you will be fine.

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:36 pm

      Karen, this comment is so encouraging! I have nothing more to add than what you just said. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It is an honor to have it here on this post. :)

  • Reply
    Julie
    July 13, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Thanks for your willingness to be open and honest & for your incredible insight. I will be sharing your thoughts with a group of teen girls next week & I know that your experience will speak volumes to them as they guard their own purity!

    • Reply
      Brittany
      July 16, 2013 at 1:34 pm

      I am honored by this comment, Julie. I hope it blesses them to see that we are worth so much more than the world tells us.

  • Reply
    James
    November 1, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    “We know that we will be like Him and Everyone that has this hope in Him purifies themself even as He is pure.”

    • Reply
      Brittany
      November 1, 2013 at 10:44 pm

      This is so good.

  • Reply
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