Here’s the deal. It’s a day to get a little real around here.
If you’ve been around WMSB for more than six months you’d know that I started this blog after a huge life change and move. Prior to that, my home on the web was called Three Years Down. For the last several months of TYD I lived with my boyfriend. So let’s clear the air and get the un-secret out of the closet. I am not a virgin. I’m not and I haven’t been since I was 19. And it makes my heart pound to put that out here for all of you to see, even though I was sure you all assumed it anyway.
Now, if you read that paragraph and you thought, “What a slut” then I implore you at this very moment to check your heart. Get on your knees and pray for God to flash only the sins you’ve committed in the last 7 days before your eyes. If you can’t move forward in this post without internally calling me a few names that have to do with promiscuity, then I invite you to come back tomorrow for a less scandalous and less honest post. I’ll still be here, and I’ll still love having you around. But this post isn’t about that.
Earlier this week Bernadette at Barefoot Hippie Girl wrote a post about Purity v. Virginity and my oh my did it hit the nail on the head. Purity and virginity are not the same. This is what she had to say on the portion relevant to my life (and she shares so much more wisdom there, please go read it):
Your virginity is precious. Once it is gone, it is gone forever. But our virginity is not our purity.
If we equate our virginity with our purity, then what happens when we lose our virginity in any context besides marriage? Are we then impure? For how long? Forever?
If you are Christian then you understand that Satan is the father of lies. He’s called that for a reason. He is good at it. And from that very moment when I was 19 until I was 25, he followed me around with this lie. It came internally, it came externally, it came from comments made at church by people who didn’t know my history, it came out of the mouths of emotionally abusive ex boyfriends, it came from an associate pastor at a church I never went back to, it came in waves late at night when I was in bed… and it sounded something like this:
- – You will never be enough for a good Christian man.
- – Now that you’ve slept with him, you have to marry him, even though he is mean and awful and doesn’t care about you.
- – You are defective product.
- – You cannot serve in ministry.
- – You have failed at life.
- – Nothing matters anymore because you’ve committed the ultimate sin.
- – You might as well give up being a Christian right now, because clearly you suck at it.
- – Being a virgin is the most important thing to Jesus, and you’ve failed at it.
- – You are an imposter.
- – You are dirty.
- – You will never, ever, ever be enough.
And those are just the highlights. The highlights, people. (It also shows if you’re itching to hit that comment button and call me names, it’s a waste of your time. Satan has told me all of them already.) And I think it’s time to start discussing what happens to a girl who has been told to save herself for marriage over and over and is never told WHY it’s important, only that Jesus will be really, really mad if she gives up her v-card.
Why else (besides Jesus will be upset) is it important to wait until marriage? I will list a few things I’ve learned by NOT waiting:
- – You create a heart connection with that person you sleep with.
- – You invite Satan to attack areas of your life you did not even know could hurt.
- – You feel it in your soul when you lose your virginity. (In the risk of being TMI in an already TMI post, I cried. I cried a lot right there and for years afterwards, even though I “knew” what I was doing when I made that choice.)
- – There are risks we all learned in sex-ed in school that go far beyond possible pregnancy if you’re not careful, and sometimes even if you are careful.
- – It is so, so much harder to walk away from an unhealthy, even abusive, relationship when you feel that tie to someone.
- – It can become an idol, not just in a lusty way. It can become an idol where you believe your value is shown in how often someone wants to sleep with you. It can become a measure by which you determine you’re not good enough – even for the non-Christian guys who don’t care if you were a virgin before they met you or not.
- – When you have these feelings and you’re not in a 100% committed relationship, you immediately become vulnerable and unprotected, and it takes a lot of prayer and Jesus to come back from that.
I wish someone had told me these things. I wish someone had told me it’s so much more than Jesus doesn’t want you to. I wish someone had been open and honest and told me it hurt daily on an emotional level and not just on an “I broke a rule” level.
If you are waiting, I encourage you to keep waiting. It is worth it. It is a beautiful gift to give your husband. But if you haven’t waited, let me tell you some truths that Jesus says:
- * Nothing we can do can ever separate us from Him.
- * He loves us the same before and after our sin.
- * You can stop living that life. Nothing says that because you did it once (or a million times) you have to do it again. And you can walk proud in that.
- * He has a good and perfect plan for our life.
- * He can make us white as snow.
- * Our identity is in him, not in the sin we have committed, no matter what that sin is.
- * You CAN be pure. In fact, if you’ve repented, you are already pure.
“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.” Colossians 1:21-22
If you want to discuss this, I welcome positive and helpful comments. I will delete anything rude or hateful, because that is the last thing men and women who struggle with the lies of satan need. Also, if you want to email me privately, you can reach me at wheremysoulbelongs [at] gmail [dot] com.